Being Mindful

Posted on Wed Apr 3rd, 2019 @ 12:20am by Staff Sergeant Jeremiah Corvus & Major Caitlyn MacNeill

Mission: Interlude 1
Location: Cheyenne Mountain: Project New Dawn
Timeline: Monday mid-morning

Major Caitlyn MacNeill sat in her office looking over the file of one Staff Sergeant Jeremiah Corvus. He was her next appointment, and she was expecting him to be a handful from what Jake Asher had told her. The Sergeant was due any moment so Caitlyn was quickly refreshing herself on the details.

The Sergeant's reaction to the attack on Very Big and Round, as everyone who couldn't pronounce the Chinese was calling it, was troubling, but not completely abnormal--until he got back and then accosted Shae and then tried to go AWOL to return to enemy territory and wouldn't listen at all when Major Asher repeatedly told him stand down was extremely troubling. The fact that the Sergeant was armed while he was disobeying direct orders to stand down and wasn't immediately arrested and put on a psych hold had her as worried about Jake Asher's sanity as the Sergeant's. Then Sergeant Corvus--intentionally got himself bitten by a wolf?!? Caitlyn shook her head. What a train wreck waiting to happen!

Jeremy pushed himself a little harder than maybe was wise. He was cutting it close, his last medical appointment ran longer than he expected and, well, he'd already missed two appointments now and the orders he was given regarding this third threatened disciplinary action if he didn't show. He didn't even want to be late this time. His record was clean until he got to SGC but now he seemed to be no better than a scumsucking soup sandwich. He nearly slipped on his crutches as he came around the corner leading to the counselor's office. He forgot her name, already, but remembered she was a major and that's all that mattered.

But, as he came to the office, he stopped. How did this work? Did he just go in? Did he wait outside? Did he - "Talk to the secretary, idiot," he muttered to himself. He went to that desk, standing up as straight as he could, folding the crutches together under his right arm. "Staff Sergeant Jeremy Corvus, reporting for evaluation." He sounded formal, even though he wasn't sure he needed to be. But this was a major who couldn't just bring him up on disciplinary charges but also have him locked away. To say he was nervous was like saying the Nile was a little bit of water.

"Sure, Sergeant, hang on," the Senior Airman at the desk said. She picked up a phone. "Major MacNeill? Sergeant Corvus is here. Yes, Ma'am." she hung up the phone. "Go right in to the second door on the left. Major MacNeill is there waiting for you."

"Thank you," Jeremy said as he stared down the hall, seeing the open door. He waited a few more breaths before he hobbled his way down the hall, taking it slower now, even more so as he approached the door. The sound of the crutches hitting the floor sounded much too loud in his ears. But, it wasn't that far and finally he got to the room. Crossing in, he stopped, faced her, placed the crutches at first under his right arm, then quickly switched them so he could render the salute while standing as much 'at attention' as he could. "Staff Sergeant Corvus, reporting as ordered, ma'am."

"As you were, Sergeant," Caitlyn said. "Please, have a seat. As it says on my wall, I'm a clinical social worker. I've been one for the last seven years. Before that I spent a few years doing Bachelor's level social work for the Air Force and before that I was enlisted in Mental Health Services. In fact, before I got my commission, I was a Staff Sergeant myself. Sit Sergeant. Relax and tell me why you think Major Asher ordered you to come talk to someone like me."

"Yes, ma'am," Jeremy said, as he looked around the office and didn't see chairs except for the one she sat in. There was a short couch, he thought his parents called it a 'loveseat'. He took it, sitting as far from the major as he could. It wasn't a conscious decision it was another sign of his nervousness over this process. He sat and put the crutches between him and her, another barrier presented as a defense. "Am I able to speak freely, ma'am?" he asked. "I mean without repercussions for...if, y'know if..." He took a deep breath. "I might have to disrespect senior officers, ma'am, if I'm to be honest."

"You can speak freely here, Sergeant," Caitlyn said. "I'm not required to share anything with your commanding officers unless I think you're unfit for duty or a danger to yourself or others and even then, I may or may not be specific, depending on the situation."

"Major Asher said I needed to come here because of a misunderstanding," he finally answered. He wasn't sure how much he trusted he was 'safe' to speak in here. She was a major and didn't they all talk? I mean, he knew he and other NCOs exchanged information about officers and SNCOs. Tips on how to keep out of trouble with them mostly.

"Ah," Caitlyn said. "A misunderstanding. Okay, let's work with that for now. So, what did you misunderstand and what didn't you effectively communicate to Major Asher?"

"I didn't understand I needed permission to go through the Gate. I guess I didn't...I mean we...he and I...I guess we didn't reach an understanding of why I needed to go back there. I mean, when he told me I needed authorization I asked for it, but he said he wasn't going to give it to me until we talked and then security showed up." He stared at his bandaged foot in the walking cast while he spoke, softly, trying not to put any inflections into what he said. "He told me I had to come here because I had weapons when I went to the Gate."

"So," Caitlyn said, calmly. "You misunderstood that you aren't allow to go off-world whenever you feel like it. You didn't understand that you aren't allowed to go, by yourself, on an unauthorized mission off-world into enemy held territory? It didn't occur to you that only General Wolf could authorize gate travel? It didn't occur to you that having an argument with a superior officer while armed to the teeth would make you seem out of control and dangerous? I just want to be sure I'm understanding you correctly so we don't have any misunderstandings ourselves."

Jeremy remained quiet for several long moments, continuing to stare at his foot. "I didn't understand it then, no. Major explained it to me later that permission was required. I know that now." He shook his head. He was getting really irritated at the idea that he'd hurt someone on his team. "That's not misunderstood anymore. At least I'm not allowed, I get that."

"What do you mean when you as least you're not allowed?" Caitlyn asked. Caitlyn knew that Jake Asher had gone off-world with the Kitsune woman, presumably to escort her home and had spent the night. When the news made the rounds of the base, Caitlyn had brought the matter up with Wolf. Wolf said he had given Asher permission to go. "Is this about Major Asher escorting Shae back to Lethuan after she was injured on your mission to--uch, I can't pronounce it in Chinese, Very Big and Round? I asked about that at the time. General Wolf told me that the way he saw it, Major Asher asked to escort a wounded ally back to her home on a planet full of friendlies. He saw no reason to object to the request, so he authorized the trip through the Gate. I'm not sure I'm seeing how that equates to what you attempted to do. Can you explain that more clearly?"

"Yeah, Shae." He snorted at that. "She can go through whenever she wants. Andrews has codes to other worlds and I understand she went through too. Just made me think we could as needed. I was told I was wrong, so I know better now. I won't be doing that again." He shrugged again, dismissing the issue. "I know what my orders are regarding it. Major made that very clear."

"I haven't heard anything about Doctor Andrews going through the gate," Caitlyn said. "But I know that Shae is free to come and go as she pleases, within reason, because she has a home off-world. Are you suggesting that she shouldn't be able to go home after work? Other people who work here and live off base can go home. Why shouldn't she be able to as well?"

Caitlyn frowned. "Let's come back to that and for now go straight to why you felt you needed to go back to Very Big and Round in the first place, and why you felt you that military members of any unit anywhere would be permitted to go on unauthorized solo jaunts into enemy territory. I'm coming back to that because you still haven't taken any responsibility for your actions regarding that issue. I'm very concerned that you somehow got it into your head that something like that would be okay, let alone an action that a sane person would consider undertaking. What made you feel that you 'needed' go back to that planet and what made you equate that feeling to going home on leave or liberty, which is exactly what Shae did, instead of equating it with taking an unnecessary risk with your life, not to mention the lives of others that would be sent into harm's way to retrieve you?"

Jeremy started bouncing his leg as she spoke, but that quickly became a bad idea as it was causing pain through his medication. Instead, he started tapping the crutch. He shook his head as he let out a deep breath. "I don't think that's a fair assessment, Major. I've stated I was wrong to think I could go there without permission. I've never denied I was wrong. Not once. I got...I got it wrong and so many things are different here. I thought it was okay, I was wrong. I admit I had my head up my poop chute about going back there like that. The moment Major Asher told me I was wrong I asked for permission. He denied it, I didn't go. I haven't even thought of going without a team since. I've done nothing but take responsibility for how I acted and yet I'm still suffering for it."

"Sergeant," Caitlyn said. "This isn't about whether you had permission. It's about the fact that you wanted to go at all. We need to talk about that. And we need to talk about why you compared your own status here and on the team with that of Shae and Doctor Andrews and what that has to do with Major Asher. And you're going to have to honest with me about all of that. Not because I'm and officer and I'm ordering you to tell me. That's not how this works. The reason you need to be honest is that when we're not honest with ourselves, other people can tell we're being dishonest about something and they don't trust us. So again, let's start with why you wanted to go back to the planet."

The intensity of the clacking of the crutches intensified. "Didn't the Major tell you? I wanted to verify which story was true, whether the villagers that assisted us were safe or if they were killed. I was told both and I had to know which it was." He shrugged. "As far as Major Asher's concerned, I've not got any status on his team, other than being the whipping boy for whenever he gets upset. Did he tell you that he threatened to shoot me? That he let everyone on base think I'm some kind of dangerous psychopath?"

"I read the report, Sergeant," Caitlyn said. "Did the words 'I am going to shoot you' come out of his mouth? Or was it that he warned you Security was going to shoot you if you didn't stand down? Did he tell Security you were a lunatic, or did he tell them you were having a really bad day and that he would take it as a favor if Security gave you a pass? Did he tell them to take your weapons away to convince them your were a dangerous lunatic? Or did they already think you were a dangerous lunatic, your words, not mine, and Asher was just trying to make them feel comfortable so they'd let him deal with it?"

Caitlyn looked at Jeremy and smiled. "We need to talk about you and the issue of the villagers, and we will, I assure you. But first, hear me out. There was once this bird, flying around on a cold winter day, looking for somewhere warm to rest. It flew into a barn and landed in a cow's stall and sat in the hay, shivering, trying to get warm. The cow, being a cow, took a tremendous, steaming dump on the bird. It was covered in fresh steaming shit and really not happy, but it was warm. A short while later, a cat came along, cleaned the shit off of the bird...and then ate it. The moral of that little story, Sergeant, is that everyone who shits on you isn't your enemy, and everyone who cleans it off isn't your friend. You catching my drift here, Jeremy?"

"Not then, but later. Look, I'm not here to get Asher in trouble. I'm just...sick...of being the whipping boy. Tired of getting in trouble everytime Shae cries. Tired of him running off everytime she goes running off because she's..." He tapped the crutches and let it trail off. "Y'know what else he didn't do?" Jeremy said, glaring at the counselor since she was determined to defend her fellow officer. "He didn't tell him it was a misunderstanding that I wasn't a danger. That I didn't understand the rules. He didn't tell them that I told him I'd give up my weapons if that was the concern to going to the village. No, he let them take me down. At gun point, in front of everyone! Like I was some criminal!"

The agitated tapping of the crutch increased, only now, he wasn't tapping the floor, but on his foot. "He's a darned hypocrite and I simply want him to be fair and bring some military discipline to this team, instead of tossing us aside whenever he wants to go get some!"

"I fail to see how either Major Asher's or Shae's sex lives are any of your business, Sergeant," Caitlyn said. "Unless you wish one of them were having sex with you instead? Which is it, Sergeant? The Major? Or Shae? I'm sure you realize that Jake Asher can't engage in a sexual relationship with you. He's an officer, you're an NCO. As for Shae, that's between you and her."

The crutches came down a final time, more out of shock and surprise than anything else. The accusation was such that even the pain of that occurrence didn't register. He stared at her, his jaw dropped while he went into brain lock. "What? No...he's...he...Major...she..." He moved suddenly, off the couch, letting his crutches drop as he turned about the room. "I'm going to be sick...do you have...where's the restroom?" he said, the first dry heave coming on him.

Caitlyn dropped the trash can in front of Jeremy. "You can puke in there. Now, if you have an accusation to make, make it, otherwise, can we pretty please with a cherry on top get back to the actual subject, which is you? You were shaken by the villagers. What could you do the next time you feel shaken by something like that? How can you compartmentalize so you can function both in the field and when you get back?"

He barely heard her as he vomited into the trash can, hating the sour, vinegary aftertaste of bile, the forced ejecta, the need to get it all contained in the trash can and not on the floor. Finally, he hoped he was finished and remained on the floor, sitting nearly cross legged. "I don't know," he muttered, being, for the first time since he came into the office, completely open and vulnerable. "I wish I did, but I don't."

Caitlyn smiled. She got Jeremy a cup of water. "That, Sergeant, is the first truly honest answer you've given me so far. I can work with honesty. We can work on that and more, if you're willing. What do you say we figure this stuff out together?"

"Do I have a choice?" Jeremy asked, rinsing his mouth out. "I'm not being insolent, Major, I'm asking. Do I have a choice in this or are these part of my orders?"

"Do you have a choice, Sergeant?" Caitlyn said. "Most things in life involve choices. It's just that most people, rather than take responsibility for those choices, like to blame others for forcing them to do something they didn't want to do. So, do you have a choice? Sure. Work with me and I tell Major Asher and General Wolf, without going into details, that you're okay to be out there with the team, or don't work with me, and I strongly suggest that if you remain in the service, you be transferred out of both New Dawn and Pararescue and into, say, an aeromedical evac unit to work as an EMT on C-130s transporting wounded around the world, where you will have less exposure to combat. The choice is yours."

Jeremy stared at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact at this point. "I worked hard to get where I'm at, Major. It would be a waste of everything I worked for to be kicked out and into some babysitting duty."

"I think so, too," Caitlyn said. "Why don't we see if we can keep you in this job that I think you love to do?"

"Yes, Major," he said as he manuevered himself back into the chair. "What do I have to do?" He felt a bit like a hostage at the moment, forced into a situation he found untenable but, yeah, being a pararescue was worth it. It was worth a lot. And a operator who got to go to alien worlds? How many people could say they've done that? Well, actually, he could do the math.

"Well," Caitlyn said. "While I deal in feelings, that's just part of the job around here, I also deal with thought processes. So while we're going to talk about your feelings--that's unavoidable, sorry--we're also going to try and figure out where you can adjust the way you think so you can feel more in control of the things you actually can control, won't stress so much over what you can't, and so you can communicate more effectively with people." Caitlyn's watch beeped. "Which, fortunately we don't have to do all at once. Okay, so, homework. I want you to keep a journal. I want you to be mindful of three things and record experiences that you have with these three things, either at the time or when it's safe to do so: When Major Asher does something that angers you or makes you feel slighted, when Shae does something that makes you angry or jealous or envious, and when you start to lose site of mission priorities. That last one, I really want you to pay attention to when you're off-world or training. When that happens to you, I want you to focus on the job in front of you, nothing more, nothing less, and focus on doing that job. No matter how frightening or horrifying the situation gets out there, you're not going through it alone, even if it feels like you are. Your team is out there with you. Back them up, and they'll do the same for you. Have a good week, Sergeant. I hope your foot get's better soon. Don't forget to make an anther appointment with the airman at the desk on your way out."

"Yes, Major," he said, this sounding like a dismissal. "Journal, three things - anger, slighted, mission priorities." He resumed normal use of the crutches and made his way out to the desk to make the next appointment. Maybe he'd get lucky and get stuck off world again and that'd give him some more time to avoid coming back and 'talking about feelings'. With a deep sigh, he took his appointment card and made his way to his quarters, he felt dirty and as if he needed a long shower and a change of clothes.