The Fox Listener

Posted on Thu Apr 4th, 2019 @ 12:11am by Major Caitlyn MacNeill & Civillian Shae

Mission: Interlude 1
Location: Cheyenne Mountain: Project New Dawn
Timeline: Current (Monday)

Major Caitlyn MacNeill reviewed the thin file on the Kitsune woman who had become a member of SG-1. There wasn't much there, other than some notes from her the leader of SG-1, a note or two from General Wolf, and a few strange notes from Sergeant Corvus. Caitlyn took those last notes with a grain of salt. Caitlyn shrugged. In most cases where you knew nothing, just listening was the answer, so that is what she planned to do.

Shae was escorted to the office by an Airman. She didn't fully understand what she was doing here, only that she had been asked to speak with someone, but somehow she got the impression that saying no wasn't really an option. Not wanting to displease Asher or the Wolf General, she went with the Airman to have this talk. The Airman checked in with the security desk to let the Major know that Shae had arrived, and then she was allowed back to the office. The Airman walked with her to the door, and after checking with the little Kitsune that she would be able to find her way back to her quarters, he left her to attend this meeting privately. Now alone, Shae opened the door and timidly peered in.

"Hello?" she asked warily.

Caitlyn stood up. "Welcome, Shae. I'm Major Caitlyn MacNeill. Come on in. Please, take a seat in one of the chairs over there or feel free to sit on that little couch. I think the heat is a little screwy today. It feels cold down here. There's a throw blanket on the shelf behind the couch if you're cold. It's fleece and it's very warm. Please sit."

Shae entered fully and closed the door ever so silently, then made her way over to the couch to sit down on the edge. Her body language was full of caution and wariness, mostly because she didn't know this person and she didn't understand what she was here for, but she was here as requested. She didn't really know what to say, so she looked to the woman who had identified herself as MacNeill and waited for her to say something.

"So," Caitlyn said. "First of all, Shae, you're not military, so please feel free to call me Caitlyn, my given name. If that makes you uncomfortable, you can use my last name and/or my rank. I did a two year tour at Kadena Air Force Base when I was younger, so I'm at least a bit familiar with the level of formality in Japanese culture which I understand is similar to yours. Secondly, what have you been told about what my job is here?"

"Not much, just that you talk to people who need someone to talk to, and I was asked to talk to you, but it was more like I 'needed' to come talk to you, like an order but I couldn't be ordered because I'm not a soldier..." Shae said shyly, then sighed. "I have been trying to talk to people, but they just seem to want to tell me I'm doing things wrong, and they can't understand that most of the time I can't understand them, like it's my fault," she continued with a pout.

"Well," Caitlyn said. "Sometimes my job requires me to listen more than I talk, and that's what I'm thinking I'd like to do today. Just listen, maybe make a comment or two or ask a few questions. But mostly I'd just like to listen to you talk to me about yourself and your experiences both before and since you came here. I want to get to know who you are and what you've been through, and I'd like to find ways to support you while you're here with us. And that doesn't all have to happen today. We have about an hour, a little less, here today, but we can meet as many times as you'd like. You can tell me anything you want to tell me, and I can't talk about it with anyone unless I honestly believe that you are a danger to yourself or others. Major Asher, General Wolf, even they can't order me to talk about what you tell me in here. Do you understand."

Shae nodded slightly. "So what do you want to know?" she asked. "I'm just not sure where you wish me to start."

"Where would you like to start?" Caitlyn said. "Seriously. Anything you want to start talking about, I'm fine with. You're life before now, the missions you've been on with the team, friends you made since coming to Project New Dawn. You can tell me about things that confuse you or worry you or make sad or angry or even happy."

"If I must be perfectly honest, I don't want to talk about anything," Shae said bluntly. "I was told to come talk to you, so I don't know you. I'm apparently not very good at conversation because every time I've tried to talk to new people I end upset because of terrible misunderstandings! Corvus convinced me I would be abandoned if I was bad, Morgaine called me an idiot because I was choosing to be alone, and Edith-kaasan told me that if I was not careful that I would be taken away and studied, so I don't want to find out what bad thing you're going to tell me just because I couldn't understand something."

Caitlyn blinked. "Okay," she said. "Okay. Well, let me be clear, as I am sure General Wolf and Major Asher have been. No one, and I mean absolutely no one here is going to abandon you or let you be taken away to be studied. Period. They'd have you through that gate and back on Lethuan with the address wiped before anyone could get their hands on you if it came down to that. Now, I don't know who Morgaine is, but you're not an idiot for wanting to be alone. I'm guessing you're a pretty intelligent person and that you have been making the decision to be alone all of this time based on your considered analysis of the facts of your life as you have seen them up til now. I suspect, giving this Morgaine the benefit of the doubt for a moment, that she might have been suggesting that you re-examine the facts as they stand now. And though I think her delivery was terrible, that's not a bad idea. In fact, it might be something we should do in here, when you feel like you want to try."

Caitlyn made a note to ask General Wolf to have a quiet word with Mama Edith and Jeremiah Corvus about appropriate behavior. She'd ask Asher to do it but, if as she suspected, he and Shae were exploring something, then not only would telling him betray Shae's trust, but Jake just might quietly kill those two and take Shae out for ice cream when he got back from disposing of the bodies like it was any other day that ended with 'Y'.

"Yes, I've been assured that what Corvus told me wasn't true, and he even apologized because it was a misunderstand over something he had been told, but it still scared me so I kind of don't like him much, but now he really doesn't like me because I lied to him about something... I was trying to be kind by not telling him the village we were in was most likely going to be destroyed, and when I tried to tell him the truth, he wouldn't hear me and he didn't give me a chance to apologize, and I felt so awful about that, it's been bothering me ever since!" Shae said. So much for not wanting to talk. "And Morgaine is this girl we met on our last mission. I told her that I was a bit envious of her because even though she was in a terrible, awful situation, she had her partner to help her, and had other friends, they all had each other to keep them strong, and I never had that... I've been hunted and I've tried to make friends, but it always ended very badly, and after so many times of being hurt this way, it was just easier choosing to be alone. She said I was an idiot and being wasteful for not seeking at least some sort of physical comfort, but she just wouldn't listen! Yes, I'm making friends now, and I have Asher's affection, and I am guessing Corvus really doesn't like that, but having friends and affection now doesn't change so many years of hurt and loneliness, or change how that makes me feel like an outsider now. I'm clearly still trying because I am here, but I still feel like an outsider, but she just wouldn't hear that! As for Edith-kaasan, I thought I would really like her, but the way she talks is so confusing, and she kept insisting that I was from Japan even when I told her that I wasn't! She revealed later that she was trying to help me make conversation without revealing too many secrets to strangers, but I already know how to do that, I was trying to be open because I'm supposed to be safe in the mountain, and she didn't tell me she was trying to 'help' me like this until well after I was already thoroughly confused, and then she tells me I could be taken away and there could be pictures of me is I was not careful and that terrified me! What right did she have to tell me that?!"

The more Shae spoke, the angrier she got, and the angrier she got, she started to rock where she sat, her hands clenching the edge of the couch cushion. She didn't realize that with this anger, she was starting to change; most of her body was covered by the utility jumpsuit she wore, but by the time she reached her rant about Mama Edith, the fur had crept down to her hands and her claws started to dig into the cushion, but she was speaking so loudly now that she didn't notice the faint sound of upholstery tearing. By the time she was done, she was red in the face and breathing hard, and she finally realized that she had been shouting and that her claws had become embedded in the cushion. She released the abused cushion, recoiling back as she covered her face in shame.

"I am sorry! I did not mean to do that!" she exclaimed softly, looking at the Major in fear that the woman might call security thinking she was dangerous.

Caitlyn moved over to sit next to Shae on the couch. She took the blanket down off of the shelf and put it around Shae's shoulders and just sat there with her around around Shae and waited for her to figure out for herself that she was safe. She was smart enough to decide for herself if she was in a safe situation or not. Caitlyn sure as Hell wasn't going to try and convince her one way or another.

Shae moved as far away from Caitlyn as she could, pulling her knees to her chest to make herself smaller, even as Caitlyn draped the fleece blanket around her shoulders. Shae just kept muttering how sorry she was, unable to look at the woman and feeling so shameful about how she had acted.

"You're not going to tell anyone I did that, are you?" Shae asked in a small voice once she'd calmed down enough.

"Of course not," Caitlyn said. "You're not a monster, Shae. You are what you are and that means you tear the cushions some times. No big deal. I've been meaning to put new covers on those anyway. Shae, you seem both really angry and really scared, and those are both feelings you've earned the right to have, from what I understand. You don't need anyone telling you you're safe and that you don't need to feel that way anymore. That'll come over time and only when you're ready. But maybe you and I together can find little ways to help you feel safer and less scared and angry. If I told you about a condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, would that translate for you?"

Shae shook her head slightly. "I understand the words separately, but I don't understand what they mean together," she said, still having trouble looking at the woman.

"Basically," Caitlyn said. "It's a mental health condition that occurs in people who have experienced traumatic events. It can come from one event or from a series of events. Soldiers experience it, but so do victims of assault or abuse or even natural disasters or accidents. It usually manifests as a near constant state of mental and emotional distress. People with PTSD often have triggers. They'll hear something or smell something, for example. It might be specific words someone is saying or even just a tone of voice. Someone with PTSD experiences one of those triggers and they are right back in the traumatic event and not in the present moment. I say this because you don't look like the strong, confident woman that some people have said you can be. You seem to me, just at this moment, a scared little girl. I'm going to ask a dumb question, so forgive me. Were you scared a lot as a little girl?"

Shae was now staring at Caitlyn, blinking with disbelief; what she was experiencing wasn't just a normal 'life' thing?! But the woman's words rang true, sometimes she would find herself back in a memory of something horrible, all over seemingly innocuous things! After a while, she nodded in response to the Major's question. "I was separated from my family when I was four summers old," she said softly.

Caitlyn gave a slight nod. Now they were getting somewhere. "That must have been awful for you, and terribly frightening. No child should have to go through that." Caitlyn said, starting by acknowledging and validating Shae's feelings. "Do you feel up to telling me more about that? I want this to be a safe space for you, where no one is going to judge you or condemn you or mock you. Where you'll be accepted no matter what you say or do, where you can say anything you want or need to say, have any feeling you need to have, and where you can ask anything you want to ask. How does that sound to you?"

After a moment of consideration, Shae nodded, but she didn't begin to speak immediately, she still needed a moment to collect herself, but when she did started talking, it was like the floodgates had opened. She shared with Caitlyn how Inari came and had her Oni gather her people like they were cattle and take them somewhere else, how Shae was chosen to one day be Inari's host, and how her mother chose to sacrifice herself to save Shae from that fate. The story continued with how Shae had been kept in a cage by her own mother now taken over by Inari, how it hurt to fight against her own mother and how her father helped free her. Shae was a flood of tears as she continued, explaining how she had evaded the Oni to start gate jumping only to be turned over to the Oni by the first village she came across. Things continued to remain bleak for her at only four summers of age, having to learn how to survive on her own, learning how to steal the things she could not acquire on her own in the forests, and even with all her caution she still wanted to help people in the hopes of making some friends, but it always ended so horribly every time she tried. She even mentioned how she met the Tok'ra and even made an odd friendship with Jessica. Years and years of loneliness and hardship followed the little Kitsune like a shadow as she continued to evade Inari and her Oni, and even other Goa'uld who wanted to harm her, so it was not much of a surprise that as she grew to maturity that she would choose isolation in the frozen tranquility of Lethuan. They way she spoke of her home there, her first real home ever since being taken as a child, it really did sound peaceful and tranquil; she was alone, but she didn't feel lonely there amongst the wildlife and the beauty of the forest. She had carved out a life in this place that others would consider uninhabitable, and yet Jess, believing herself to be a good friend, disrupted that tranquility by bring people to her home! Shae was so torn about how to feel about that because this was her home, her sanctuary, but she'd met Asher and they'd all had a snowball fight that was so much fun so she now had this wonderful memory... But it was her home and she didn't want people there. Except Asher, he was okay.

"Shae," Caitlyn said. "That's a lot of bad stuff to happen to anyone, and worse that so much of it happened when you were a child. It sounds like you've been under near constant stress since you were a little girl, and that all of these bad things happened while you were still figuring out who you were and where you fit in the universe. That's definitely created some coping mechanisms that kept you safe, but maybe need to be re-evaluated, at least on a case by case basis. But it sounds like you're doing that already. It sounds like you're starting to make friends and create happy memories. It sounds like Rhiannon O'Connor wants to be your friend. She's a bit of a spaz--that means she can be annoyingly overexcited sometimes, but from what I've seen of her around the base, she's a pretty decent sort. And she's your age, so that's good. It will be good to have at least some peers your own age to create new memories with. And...Asher? What's your relationship with him? Hey, it's okay! You don't have to tell me if you don't want to! But you're new at all of this interacting with people, so if there are things you're finding confusing, we can talk about them in here, okay? That's what I'm here for."

Shae was quiet for a while, still huddled under the blanket and hugging her knees to her chest; she felt so tired after sharing so much and it even made her head hurt a little, but at the same time it felt good to get it all out. "I like Ree; she is very high energy, so I can only tolerate her for short spans of time, but I adore her, she is so nice," she finally said. "And as for Asher..." Shae blushed. "I feel safe around him. But I told him, I said no affection on base or on mission!" And that's all she was willing to say about her relationship with Asher.

Caitlyn said. "Shae, I'm not going to press you much about Asher, I promise, but I need to know one thing. Has he tried to pressure you into doing something you didn't want to do?"

"No," Shae answered, but talking about this made her uncomfortable, so she pulled the blanket up closer around her face. "He has been so kind to me..."

"Shae," Caitlyn said. "I won't press you. I trust your instincts. If they're telling you to trust Major Asher, then that's good enough for me. But if you ever need or want to talk about your relationship with Major Asher, I'm here. Okay? Good. So. Would you like to talk some more today? Or have you had about as much of this as you can take for today?"

"I feel very tired," Shae said in a small voice. "Is it okay for me to go?"

"Of course," Caitlyn said. "I see you have your tablet with you. It has a calendar, right? Talk to the airman at the desk out there and ask her to make you an another appointment with me and have her help you put it in your calendar with a reminder, if you don't know how to do that already. It was very nice to meet you, Shae. I look forward to talking with you again and listening to whatever you want to tell and answering any questions you have. See you soon!"

Shae nodded mutely, and after a minute or two she finally rose to go talk to the airman. As soon as her new appointment was made, Shae went straight to her quarters, feeling the sudden need for a nap after all that talking.

Caitlyn rose and stood in the center of her office and centered her self. Controlling her breathing, she did a few Qigong exercises to clear her mind. So much pain in such a young person. So much fear, so much anger, and yet, so much courage. Caitlyn hoped Shae did come back to talk with her. She wanted to help the little alien process those terrible experiences and help her figure out how to adapt those incredible survival skills to her new situation so she didn't cut herself off from friendships--and whatever was going on with Jake Asher. Caitlyn had never been involved with Jake as a woman, but she'd seen him professionally for a time. He had his issues, but being a heartless cad wasn't one of them. Caitlyn would monitor Shae's side of things with her and make sure Shae was understanding what was happening. Caitlyn reminded herself that Shae was very smart and capable and that if there was something wrong with the way Asher interacted with her, the Kitsune would figure that out quickly and take action to protect herself.

Caitlyn finished her exercises and let the Senior Airman at the desk know she was ready for her next appointment.